I went to Canada when I was fifteen, all by myself. Me, that shy, awkward kid, who never got the hang out of smalltalk, let alone talking to strangers. What surprises me in retrospective is that I didn’t do it to prove to anyone that I was capable of being an autonomous person, in fact, I just did it because I knew the city where I was going to spend a whole month had a great music scene. Sounds a bit shallow? Well, at that time I had replaced my heart with a mixtape, pumping the sound of other peoples misery right into my blood stream. I found comfort in music, I learned from music, I breathed music. Now I have old concert tickets in that place of your wallet where you put photos of your family. You get it.
Anyway! Everyday after my classes, I would take the next metro downtown, strolling along the sidewalks for hours, breathing in the scent of an unfamiliar city, always looking out for a place to get cheap hotdogs. In the morning I would pick up the daily newspaper and a cup of coffee on the way to the bus stop, feeling safe among yawning strangers. I felt home.
Everytime before I went to bed I would write down all the things I did that day. And every day, I would do something that scared me. I talked to strangers, made friends, took dancing classes, went climbing, ate weird stuff I ended up loving, held a presentation, got a really short and saucy haircut, went to a concert alone, went rafting right after a thunderstorm started, walked bare-footed around the city. I even got offered a job at a local radio station.
I wasn’t scared anymore, I was curious. And I loved it.
That’s my fondest memory. Thanks for the question, stranger!
Do you ever think about packing a suitcase with a small selection of your most important belongings, then standing at the train station waiting for the one that takes you furthest away, and not telling anyone? Because I do, but I know that’s not the key to happiness. Not to mine, at least. Sometimes all it actually takes is getting dressed, cleaning your surroundings, smoking a few bowls, then sitting outside with headphones on, and, once again, being aware of your presence and actions. After all, you could do anything right now. Be aware of your freedom. The whole thing is more about doing than thinking. I’m still struggling with that, but eventually I’ll get there.
This only takes two minutes. Lay down, close your eyes, turn your headphones up and listen to Avril 14th by Aphex Twin. It makes me appreciate the beauty and fragility of life. Maybe you’ll feel the same way.
Today’s the last day in this place and my backpack is filled with all my records. Knowing that I can never go back to the place where I lived my whole life hurts. That’s okay. I’ll learn to find the light switch in the dark in another place now.
There is no infinite sadness. For a long time I thought I needed someone else’s fingertips to fill the cracks, but that would be too easy. I’ll have to do it by myself, time after time. That’s okay, too.
The past year has been one of the worst to be honest, and I’ll not go into detail about this. Somehow I’ll change and grow and forget about things that once were important to me and learn new ones. This is how it’s supposed to be, change is the thing that keeps us going.
I want to travel, I want to be a better writer and musician, I want to learn other languages and most of all, I want to become me, whoever that may be. All I know is that I’m happiest when I sit at the breakfast table in the morning, still tired and sleepy, and I turn on the radio just in time to hear Bruce Springsteen (I’m talking wayyy to much about him lately) singing I’m on Fire.
I’ll probably have no internet connection until the end of March or something, and I don’t know if I have the time to set up a queue. So for now I’ll say goodbye, keep your head up high and have a great day, a great week, a great everything! :)
With a low energy level you will miss many things in life, because many things start happening only when you are on a high energy level. It is as if you go on living in a valley: you cannot see many things. If you go up to the top of the hill there is a greater perspective: you can see many things.
But many people have decided to live at the low energy level for a certain reason. It is more secure, more comfortable, more convenient. The high energy level is dangerous: one is always boiling, exploding, there is insecurity with the high energy level. Yes, there is adventure but insecurity comes in the same package and one never knows what is going to happen. And everything is always in a chaos at the high energy level – beautiful but always in a chaos; nothing is ever settled.
At the low energy level things are settled – one has planned a life and settled; but this is missing life. And everybody has got the same energy quantity. Now it is up to us what to do – whether to bring it to a maximum, or to remain at the minimum." —
Osho (via sun-hawk)
To be honest, these days my energy level can’t even reach the stage of being low. Actually, my energy is non-existent. I try and try and try every day, but when most of your energy is spend on getting out of bed and getting dressed; then at the end of the day there is not much left. But the part with life being beautiful and at the same time always being in a chaos at a higher energy level- that’s true. And it’s beautiful. I would really like to feel that way again.
all in good time on Flickr.
A few days ago I had a really crappy day, it was cold, and I couldn’t get myself up to do something productive. So I went into the woods, just to clear my head. I brought my notebook with me to make a few sketches, and listened to Sufjan Stevens. While I was drawing, the sun began to shine. Have a look! It was truly a beautiful moment.
Today I was walking barefoot in my room and I stepped on a freaking pin I forgot on the floor. That thing was in my foot. For at least two minutes I sat on the floor, thinking “That’s it, Karma strikes back again” and wallowed in self-pity. Then I got up and put a band-aid on it. This story is relevant to life.
Driving 28h to Sweden. Waking up at 4 in the morning, looking out of the window and seeing the polar lights. Everyone else on the bus was asleep, so I quietly watched the spectacle of green and purple on my own. Incredible.
I was sitting in the bus the other day, and there was a little boy with his mum next to me. We drove past a little area that looked like a beach, someone put it there for advertisement. There was a small wooden ship on it, and the boy said something like:”Look mum, that’s where all the ships strand! And this one is here because a pirate went treasure hunting and forgot about it. I hope he’ll think about his ship sometimes!”
This kid made me smile so much. And also, he made me realize again that life is much easier when we dream, use our fantasy more often, laugh about the absurd situations that are supposed to bring us down and enjoy the little things.
I’m spending my Sunday morning drinking coffee, smoking, and listening to Patti Smith. This day couldn’t start any better.